[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
nature’s most graceful animal
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.