Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I don’t hate children, just yours.