[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*