Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.