Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
mom gave me mine for free
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.