Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Ha.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully