Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*jazz hands*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
☠️ ☠️
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?