Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot