Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above