Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Heroic Misunderstanding

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING