Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.