Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Trying
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.