*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Please send all your ambulances
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You Might Also Like
No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.
Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”