Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

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*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances


No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.


The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.


This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”


[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.


If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.


If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.


I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.


I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.


Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”