Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Finally, an explanation.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
The two types of wives
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face