@ObscureGent

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

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@eeethanford

*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances

@SaraMansford

No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.

@MoneypennyNaked

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@Diversion50

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

@shesxridiculous

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

@bonehugsnirony

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

@underchilde

I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”