Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.


I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.


It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.


I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.


Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.


U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months


Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast

producer: can they also be…furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let’s make fifty


“Can I have a drink?”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.