Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
why am I working on Labor Day
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.