Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Employees must applaud the planets.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

smartest karate player in the world

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”