Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

I can also cook 😂

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood