Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”