Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
what do you want
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?