Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Sure. Why not?

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.