Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Body by Oreos
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Cake!!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman