Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

aesthetic

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

Me trying to walk in a dream

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

i love meeting boys on tinder

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo