Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work