Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins