Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Duck typos.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
i think we should see other cousins
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
