waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
