Waiting for the Charmin
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Good morning
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.