waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !