waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.