Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you