Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Day 2 of my diet
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”