Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
