Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
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The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Sign at work today
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
orange cat behavior
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.