Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Just had my nails done!

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track: