Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My neck, my back, my…
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.