Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
