Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
happy halloween
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
