Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Chemical wingman
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I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach