Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
nature’s most graceful animal
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
no regrets
