Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours