Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.