Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.