Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Dance like you’re not the father