Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

going to the ER y’all need anything

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.