waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”