waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Fun Things
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.