Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
somebody come look at this
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple