Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.