Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.


me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits


“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing


Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”


[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality


My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.


He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?


[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”


Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.


Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.