After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.