Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.


MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I’m NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That’s it. We’re totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* …okay, do you promise you aren’t mad though


CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult


Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind


BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn


I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/


I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.


“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”


“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending


[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you


MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now