Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*