Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
(Gaming support cat.)
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun