Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.