Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok cat haters, explain this…

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.