Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

What do you text your spouse?

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.