Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

never deleting this app.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

i was baptized in a car wash

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*