Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

Damn he played himself

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

but that was my emotional support daylight

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.