Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it