Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.