Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*