Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“Huge”.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it