Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing