You Might Also Like

@LlamaInaTux

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

@markedly

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

@pickupIines

do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam

@WillSaysStuff

welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?

no

*steve leaves*

@JeffisTallguy

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

@cervixsmash

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family

@Jayson_Two_time

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

@AnniemuMary

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

@Xoolun

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.