Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy
her friend: what that sounds completely normal
[earlier, in bed]
me: i invented the colour blue
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.