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@Carbosly

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.


Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

@causticbob

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

@tuckerflodman

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

@DamienFahey

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

@Lhlodder

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

@UnFitz

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

@tiemoose

gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy

her friend: what that sounds completely normal

[earlier, in bed]

me: i invented the colour blue

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

@DurtMcHurtt

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

@markleggett

I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.