[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam
welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?
uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.