Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
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Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING