Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot