Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles