Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.