Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

me and who

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no