Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect