Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Still laughing at this stupid meme

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Just a reminder, folks:

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.