Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Me when I hear gossip

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!