Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
handsome & gretel
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.